Could you be wasting your time on an emotionally unavailable partner?

Let’s assume for a moment that there is this lovely couple you spot out in public, they seem really cute together and might even be “relationship goals” for some on the outer surface. What you don’t see however is behind the scenes.

Most of the time when they are doing things together, especially out in the public eye, things seem great, but there is a big issue under the rug for these two. The guy involved tends to do things like disappear for extended periods of time, often on a very regular basis. He’ll do things like not reply to text messages in any reliable manner, doesn’t call when most other people would consider it courteous to do so and every time the subject of his behaviour comes up he might apologize and put on a good show for a while but then it’s back to neglect soon after.

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The question is “why is he like this?” and the answer could be something as basic as he’s an emotionally unavailable male who will string that poor girl along, potentially for years if she’ll allow it. Here are a few signs to look for so you can better decide if you too are dealing with someone of this nature.

 

They might be married or in a committed relationship

This one is usually pretty obvious but you would be surprised how many people get suckered into the charm of these sneaky types of people. Not only are they cheating on their significant other, their prior long-term commitment, but they’re dragging you into the pot with them and this could lead to problems down the line.

You really just never know when they’re have to run off for a dance recital at their kid’s school. Or maybe there’s a big wedding anniversary event planned which you of course have no clue about because you’re the person on the side. It’s reasonable to understand that you may be dealing with a total charmer here but let’s face it, they’re only wasting your time in the end and you’ve got to remind yourself who they’re really going home to at the end of the night… it’s not you.

 

They’re only in it for the sex

What you decide to do is up to you, that goes for all of us of course. But what about when it’s obvious you’re not in it “just for sex” and they keep leading you on in that special way which lures you into their charms? This typically goes for guys more than anything, but if it’s very evident the person you’re with only chooses to get lovey-dovey with you when they’re certain it’s going to lead to some physical action, it may be time to move on.

 

They could be an addict

This one might seem a bit harsh in some cases but the truth of the matter is that most people who are addicted to something, be it sex, drugs of some sort, even alcohol in many cases can cause a lot of hardship inside of a relationship. They often come with baggage you don’t want in your own life and could regularly be preoccupied by whatever their addiction draws them to.

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Do they prefer a long distance relationship

It seems like the further you two are, the better things are for them. With the ability to text and send cute little messages back and forth while being able to edit one’s words before hitting that ‘send button’ that time waster feels like they are on easy street.

The truth is that most long distance relationships simply don’t last very long, they just don’t workout. Sometimes the person you’re with might even be counting on this fact and you’re going to wind up just another name on a checklist. If you feel like the long distance relationship you’re in is going nowhere and the person you’re involved with is distant with their emotions then it may be time to reconsider.

 

2 thoughts on “Could you be wasting your time on an emotionally unavailable partner?

  • November 1, 2017 at 12:11 pm
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    Is he ever going to change my mind and my heart can’t take the the game anymore the head games the evidence that he blatantly forgets to cover up there for I find it it’s breaking my heart I really would love to believe that one of these apps or the system would really work but even if you guys did send me back proof I could never confront him on it because he’s so Savvy and knows how to twist it and throw it back in my face and it’s just a head game and I’m just going crazy as all he tells me that they’re wrong you’re wrong if you can give me proof I’m going to move on I’m married to him 14 yes. Thank you. Thank you, sincerely. R.whitaker

    Reply
    • October 25, 2018 at 4:36 pm
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      Hi there sweetheart! I wanted to share my story with you because I was very touched by your message. I marred my high school sweetheart 20+ years after we broke up. He was a year ahead of me and in my senior year, he enlisted in the military. The night he left for the service, I felt like I was in mourning. I knew I would lose him if he got on that plane. My parents were not home and I was so scared, crying hysterically, calling the airport begging them to page him. I told them my story, I do not know for sure if they did page his name or tried to find him for sure, but they were very sympathetic with me. Things were okay through bootcamp but when he came home, the change was unexpectingly scary. He actually grew taller, nice short haircut (was always long and bushy), very confident (cocky) look on his face. I didn’t like it. He wasn’t my cute, ‘sweet” boy anymore. Well when he got in sunny California, beach babes and partying and drug use, he sure didnt need me anymore. We broke up. I was actually ok. I hurt, of course, but because of “daddy isdues’ I had to deal with, him never there then dying, I put up a wall and was sonewhat untrusting after another boyfriend beat me, I became strong and never put up with crap. Boys got 1 chance with me, that was it. So, that was it. I moved on, continued working, night school, made good money, bought a new car every 2 years, trained in martial arts. Then at 27, I did marry someone and had a son. After 10 years we divorced. Still very good friends till this day. He actually flew a girl we went to school with out to see him in Cali and they married when she got pregnant. She chased him like a dog and I witnessed him cuss her out and hang up on her when she called him. She harrassed the you know what out of us. So, yeah, he flew her out to Cali. So that marriage didn’t last long. When we reconnected we fell again for each other the first night. I did become pregnant and we decided to marry. I had an ultrasound appointment because I did have trouble … I had a couple of miscarriages , and my doctor wanted to see if the pregnancy was progressing. We planned to go to the courthouse after the ultrasound. Well, unfortunately, the ultrasound did not go well. We were informed it stopped growing at 6 weeks. After we had a moment, we went to the courthouse. I told him we didn’t have to get married at that point, but he said no, I want this. It’s a second chance for us. So we go. We start giving our information and I tell the clerk about my 1st marriage then it’s his turn. Tells her about the 1st one, which I knew about, then he tells her about the 2nd marriage. WHAT???? Did I miss something? Is he joking? I started laughing and said something must be wrong. He said no, nothing is wrong, it’s true. Just blew it off…. we left and I said can you explain why you never mentioned it. He said it was just a little while, it was no big deal. It didn’t work, she was older, issues with their kids….. well they were together about 6 years I found out later. I was uncomfortable and said we didn’t have to get married. I was losing the baby, he didn’t have to marry me. But of course, he charmed me. We got married quickly. Then I started to find out a lot of things, like he was actually living with a girl and engaged when he started seeing me. I did become pregnant with our daughter, lost my mom while I was pregnant, and dealing with things coming up with him. Going golfing with a buddy then not coming home… going out for a pack of smokes and not coming home, saying hes going to work and not at work. I was sitting at my dining room table with my dad and his boss called to ask how his back is. I said, I don’t know, he’s there, you can ask him, I didnt know anything about his back. The boss (who was actually a very good childhood friend he had) said no, he called out. I told him, well if he had a bad back, I would think he would be here laying on the couch, but he wasn’t. I wasn’t lying gor him. My dad and I just looked at each other like wtf!
      I knew he drank a lot, too much. But it wasn’t until I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter that a co-worker, who was a retired police officer, said to me, “yeah, he’s an alcoholic “. That was the first time I actually realized that. I mean, buying a 30 pack of beer, every other day. I just didn’t want to “see” the wrong. After wr had been separated a few times., I finally started to poke around because I was under the impression he just needed some time away, to think, maybe go fishing/hunting/playing pool with the boys…. well when I started to investigate , I found profiles on dating sites as him being “divorced”, facebook—-this was a big one! I could not believe my eyes. I could not believe someone I loved so deeply, known for 30 years, could do this to me. He denied, said someone must be pretending to me, charmed me as usual. I believed his lies because I didn’t want to believe he could really do that, to me, our little girls, my son. This goes on for years, breaking up and getting back together. It was taking its toll on me and the entire family. I knew he was an alcoholic, he did go to Rehab once when I kicked him out, but before long, he was back at it. I thought it was a mid life crisis. I was basically making excuses for him instead of seeing him for who he really was because he certainly was showing me the type of person he was. I didn’t want to see. I was at the point I would do “anything” to keep him, to keep my daughters from growing up without a dad like I did. I was considering allowing a woman in our sex life so he wouldn’t go behind my back. Yeah, giving him permission to cheat right in front if me. Thank God I came to my senses. I did try to recruit one woman and she told me she and her husband tried it and it ruined their marriage when they were trying to save it.
      I had wanted a home of our own because we always rented. When we were married 10 years, we were finally in a position to buy. We actually built a brand new, 4 bedroom, 3 bath, apartment built in for my son who was now an adult and engaged. Life was great until my dad died. He lived with us the last few months of his life and died in our home. I was thankful and felt blessed every morning waking up in our new family home. I knew for sure I did not have to worry about my husband being unfaithful. Why on earth would he risk losing his family and new home he worked hard for, many hours of overtime for. I totally let my guard down. I started noticing little things, speaking on the phone with “Michelle” hiding behind the garage? I went in the garage to look for something, and I heard him talking to her on the other side of the garage doors. I asked him about it, he said it was his buddy ‘s girlfriend…she answered the phone when he called his buddy. I asked the buddy if that was his girlfriend, he said he never dated a Michelle in his life. So I started catching him in lies, acting very sneaky. Spending a lot of time in the powder room when we all were in the family room near the powder room, and he would come out and the toilet never flushed. I figured he was in there texting someone. Sure enough one morning while I got up.at 4 am to pack his lunch for work, make him coffee, find his keys and get everything ready so he xan grab and go because he does not do mornings well, hard to wake up (naybe from drinking 15-18 beers), anyway I wake him up, he goes to the bathroom, then his phone rings at 4:20 am. I saw a few digits but still too early to put 2 and 2 together. I said who is calling so early because sometimes his co-workers do….and he said, I don’t know, they didn’t leave a message.
      Later that day it popped in my mind, so I called the cell phone company and gave them some story and said I deleted a number I needed but could only remember a few numbers do they provided it. I sent a text and the response was “call me” so I did. On the other end was my husband’s girlfriend of 6 months. She was married, 20+ years, having an affair, betraying her husband. She would not tell me her name but provided a picture of them together from New Year’s Eve. I showed my son, he said he recognized her. I truly didn’t think he did. He got on Facebook and said, “mom, I thought I knew her”. I used to work with her at ….. . And my son went to school with her son. My don also said “mom, I hate to say this but she actually was on Pop’s floor and took care of him. She was a nurse and my dad was in a nursing home for a little while. That isn’t how my husband met her though. He found her on Facebook. She worked the midnight shift so we never saw her when we were there. Life does come full circle!
      After I confronted him, he did leave about a week then told me he wasn’t seeing her. When she and I talked she told me he told her he was separated and living at his mothets. He was telling me he was staying at his friends when he didn’t come home, drank too much, taillight out, didn’t want to get stopped. Six months of lies but I had trusted him. I started becoming suspicious around Christmas and New Year’s Eve when he didnt come home, I was pissed he was not there Christmas Eve because our tradition was wrapping the girls gifts. He wasn’t there, I did it all by myself. She also told me, PROMISED me, if she had known he was married we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because she would not get involved with a married man. She said her and her husband were having.issues then my husband came along, charmed (bs’d) her and she cheated on her husband of 20+ years. After she knew that he was not separated and I informed her personally that he and I were going to counseling and to please leave him alone, she continued to see him. He was going to counseling wirh me and carrying on the relationship with her. He told her what I was telling her was a lie..
      We were not together and going to counseling so she kept seeing him. This went on from January to April. I forgot to mention that when my son confirmed who she was, I contacted her husband, provided the picture to him that she provided to me and he divorced her. As soon as he found out, she was done. He allowed her to live there for a few months but she had to be out soon. So, hubby found out, still lived with him, kept seeing my husband, and obviously that wasn’t good enough because her friend fixed her up with a new boyfriend, so she’s dating him too! Finally, they go away for the weekend. Lovely day but when they check in gp their hotel, something happened. She said, and has no reason to lie, and I do believe her, he wanted to win her from her other boyfriend and he wanted to move in with her. Her answer was no. So they got into a fight and she called her other boyfriend and he went and picked her up at the hotel. I get a call he gives me this bs story, hes been by the water all day thinking because it clears his mind and gets me to drive there at midnight. My children begged me to not go. But in my heart, I thought he came to his senses and again, bought the bs. Found out later what really happened because I saw on his phone the messages he sent her. He was going to commit suicide over her. I undetstood his “pain”. Just told him to be honest with me, I would help him through this. I loved him. His children love him. He said he felt like a loser, losing her and her going with the other guy. He is extremely competitive, all through his life with sports, losing is not an option. We went to counseling, as a couple and individually, and his therapist also saw me seperately, with my husband’s permission. Our therapist and his therapist, both tried to explain to him that he was the winner. He still had a loving wife, his family, his home. She was the one that lost everything. Her husband did not forgive her. I explained to him that I would not ever forgive or accept one more betrayal. This one was a huge one. It rocked me to the core and devastated our children.
      Even after the weekend away where her other boyfriend came to get ger at a hotel with another man, 🤔, my husband still got her to see him two more times. Good Friday, which was the weekend anniversary of us reconnecting many years prior and we were going away for the weekend to see a concert and stay overnight. I arranged a babysitter until my son got home from work and we were to leave early. Well he said he had to help a friend, he would be back by noon. He didnt show up until 4:30, he left at 7am. We argued, still went, were late to the show, no time for dinner, tried to make the best out of it. Came home Saturday. He snuck out at 2 am now Sunday morning, Easter…. any idea where he went and who he was with Friday before we left? Her. Easter morning. Left his children on Easter to be with his affair partner, still married to another man and had another boyfriend. I told her best friend who fixed her up with the new guy and then the new guy found out and I assume basically told her NO MORE. He just picked her up at a hotel that she was in with my husband the week before now shes in another motel with my husband. This time, however, I tracked them down. I knocked on the door so long and so loud I woke up other people and the management asked me to leave. Of course she didn’t have the nerve to come out. I kept texting him until he came out. I asked him whay are you doing. His answer….what do you think I am doing. I asked if he loved her and he said yes. I will never forget that moment. After I have loved this man for so long with all of my heart. Bent over backwards. I screamed and cried the hour long ride home. I thought the end was here. He would go live happily ever after with his 3-timing beauty. Guess it was a last fling for her. I took him back and we really tried. He seemed to finally understand the magnitude of his discretion. Of course things were tense amd other family issues occured, his mothers dimentia became worse. I got involved and met with nursing team, caregivers, social workers, to get her and her 56 year old autistic son some help in the house. My husband got diagnosed wirh cancer. Me and the girls accompany him to the hospital to meet surgeon, schedule surgery, etc. I had a feeling something was up and I said to him please don’t start reaching out to people … your family is here to support you. He said oh, I know. I promise I wont. I take him yo work the next morning and he mentioned he forgot his phone. I took that as an opportunity to check things out. Did I find something? Of course, I did. He was carrying on an emotional relationship with someone a couple of hours away so it wasn’t physical yet. Nude pics were sent back and forth. When I saw that, I was so disgusted that I actially loved this man and he is going to disrespect me like that, in our home? I told him it is over. No turning back. This was the absolute last straw. He has proven he does not love me or appreciate his family and home, over and over again for 14 years. The other woman was also extremely furious! He told her he was separated. I also told him I would not accompany him for his surgery. I didn’t. His buddy took him. I also discovered he spent 4 hours texting a new caregiver that was brought in to take care of his mom and brother. I have washed my hands of this filth. Me and my children deserve so much better. I cannot let my daughters think that this behavior is acceptable. We discuss self love and esteem on a daily basis.
      We are in the process of leaving. I know this is not just a new chapter, but a new book that he is not a character in.
      I believe in trying but if only one person is working and committed, it will never work. I believe in marriage and vows and if someone doesn’t, they have no business getting married.
      I know how difficult it is to feel like you’re giving up, but if your partner is betraying you, he already gave up.
      There is never a right reason or excuse to stay in a physical, emotional, financial abusive relationship. Never. Not one. I wanted my kids to not come from a broken home but in this situation, they are better off coming from a broken home. We now can live drama-free, no fighting, no betrayals. Just peace. Peace is a good thing. I am sorry this is so long. If it can help or encourage one person, I am thankful. I would be happy to speak with anyone that needs help. 💕

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